We all have trials, this is one of mine...

How do I say "I'm done?" How do I let go? How do I cope? Really, it's not that bad, I can still ride my bikes at least, well, if I don't stand and crank down hard. Sadly though, my running days are over.

I've spent the last four months on the treadmill at the fitness center trying to build up for a double ironman, there, I said it, a double, and yes, I know I could do it. In the last four months of slowly building my base I was feeling like a youngster again, like i'd been given a second chance to do what I love. Would it last? I was forced to do a slow jog in the Arizona Ironman and the California Half Ironman, but could I actually make this work for a 52 mile run? I kept running gingerly and I became cautiously optimistic that it was going to work. All I had to do was slowly build up time and my knee would adapt I thought.

My right knee was first injured in the early 90's playing in the Mesa city basketball league and I played my last basketball game on the night of the championship game (I haven't played in an organized game since). Kent and Dave Hatfield were there, Steve Conolly and Dave Collins as well. It wasn't a ligament (I wish it was) it was meniscal and it's been meniscal ever since. I used to do ALOT of 10K runs when I was younger, and was passionate about trail runs before they were popular, but I was told it was the basketball that did me in. The grinding of the joint when you plant and twist it when going up for a layup was the culprit. I did this nearly daily for 20 years and it left my knee in shambles. I loved playing and wouldn't change my past, but it does suck to be in my present state.

The initial scope of the three, was done by a doctor who said I'd be back to normal in a week, 3 weeks later and I was still hobbling. On the return appointment he told me he had to "really crank that knee around to get the instruments in there", thus the additional trauma. My knee joint had already been narrowed by wear and I didn't realize it. Steve Hatfield did the other two and it was more of the same, clean it up and get back to abusing it. The pain is basically on the lateral or outside edge of the jointspace and the menicus is basically gone. "Chondromalacia" he tells me, "grade 4, the most severe". Throw in some Osteoarthritis and it makes for a wonderful running experience.

I got excited a few years ago when I had read about a meniscal transplant procedure that was allowing people to run again. When I asked Steve about it, I was shot down when he said I wasn't even a candidate, "you have no lining on the ends of your bones" . WTH? I'm done? My next surgery would be a knee replacement I was told.

So, that's how it's played out, and that's why after 4 months of running, I'm done. I've been able to work up to runs of 90 minutes and then I start to lose feeling in the lower leg. No matter how slow, or what mechanics I use the pain is there.

The fun doesn't stop there, I love the way it aches most of the time, kinda like a toothache. And, the crepitus (loud creaking) freaks people out.

I've been researching the possibility of getting a Partial Knee Replacement, it's way less invasive (being on one side only) and usually lasts longer. Once again Steve shot that option down by telling my that a partial lasts about 6 years and that a "Jim replacement" would last about 2 years. Whether it's a partial or full replacement, I need to hold out as long as I can because they don't last very long and I've got a lot more cycling to do.

So there's my sad story. Cry if you must, but know that i'm really happy and grateful about being able to ride my bike.

Sleepless in Mesa

Can't sleep as usual. Wondering about things, people in my life, etc. Too much to elaborate fully.

I will keep it on a positive note though and say how much I love my place in this world. How blessed I am words cannot express. How much love I feel for my family and friends and how much love I feel in return can't be described.

I feel as many probably, that there's so much I want to accomplish and that there's so much I want to see. I'm getting pretty successful at focusing on what I have, and not on what I may never have, and finding satisfaction in that.

I've always felt regardless of physical limitations, I could conjure up the courage, stubborn perserverance, and the ability to endure suffering to make it through any race or event and do reasonably well. I now find myself at the mercy of a failing knee joint. I find myself telling my family "boy, if my right knee was as good as my left one I could... blah, blah, blah..." I'm done with that. I've found a pretty constant perspective of being grateful I HAVE two legs. I'm grateful for the many years of service my knee has given me, and the ultimate sacrifice it may have to go through in being replaced.

I was telling Lorie Tucker the other night that I may have to cancel my plans to do a certain event this fall and she seemed in disbelief that I could think that way. What she doesn't know about is the secret love-hate relationship I have with my knee. I've struggled with this rascal and it's three scopings for the last fifteen years and think it's time for a visit to a doctor. I will keep you posted...

Had a pretty good ride today, Kyle and I went out for 17 grueling miles. It's just as well, I couldn't get my heart rate over 165 and felt fatigued, so I backed off and we had good conversation.

I do gotta ramp up the mileage, not sure if I'm doing TDP but I've got Breathless Agony in Redlands on May 2nd and the Red Rock 200 in St. George on May 16th. BA is a great "guy trip" and I really have a great time there with the fellas. Red Rock is in it's first year but it's put on by the same organizers as the HooDoo 500 and they were great and really well-organized. Plus, I love Southern Utah and I love the 200 mile distance (self-reminder to stock up on the Butt'r). Don't know of anyone else going to ride Utah but that's okay, my beautiful wife Meri is coming along so I'm covered.

Alright, the blogging has worked and I hear my bed calling so goodnight. And please, see how blessed you really are, embrace what you have , let go of what you don't, and let's all hug more!