We all have trials, this is one of mine...

How do I say "I'm done?" How do I let go? How do I cope? Really, it's not that bad, I can still ride my bikes at least, well, if I don't stand and crank down hard. Sadly though, my running days are over.

I've spent the last four months on the treadmill at the fitness center trying to build up for a double ironman, there, I said it, a double, and yes, I know I could do it. In the last four months of slowly building my base I was feeling like a youngster again, like i'd been given a second chance to do what I love. Would it last? I was forced to do a slow jog in the Arizona Ironman and the California Half Ironman, but could I actually make this work for a 52 mile run? I kept running gingerly and I became cautiously optimistic that it was going to work. All I had to do was slowly build up time and my knee would adapt I thought.

My right knee was first injured in the early 90's playing in the Mesa city basketball league and I played my last basketball game on the night of the championship game (I haven't played in an organized game since). Kent and Dave Hatfield were there, Steve Conolly and Dave Collins as well. It wasn't a ligament (I wish it was) it was meniscal and it's been meniscal ever since. I used to do ALOT of 10K runs when I was younger, and was passionate about trail runs before they were popular, but I was told it was the basketball that did me in. The grinding of the joint when you plant and twist it when going up for a layup was the culprit. I did this nearly daily for 20 years and it left my knee in shambles. I loved playing and wouldn't change my past, but it does suck to be in my present state.

The initial scope of the three, was done by a doctor who said I'd be back to normal in a week, 3 weeks later and I was still hobbling. On the return appointment he told me he had to "really crank that knee around to get the instruments in there", thus the additional trauma. My knee joint had already been narrowed by wear and I didn't realize it. Steve Hatfield did the other two and it was more of the same, clean it up and get back to abusing it. The pain is basically on the lateral or outside edge of the jointspace and the menicus is basically gone. "Chondromalacia" he tells me, "grade 4, the most severe". Throw in some Osteoarthritis and it makes for a wonderful running experience.

I got excited a few years ago when I had read about a meniscal transplant procedure that was allowing people to run again. When I asked Steve about it, I was shot down when he said I wasn't even a candidate, "you have no lining on the ends of your bones" . WTH? I'm done? My next surgery would be a knee replacement I was told.

So, that's how it's played out, and that's why after 4 months of running, I'm done. I've been able to work up to runs of 90 minutes and then I start to lose feeling in the lower leg. No matter how slow, or what mechanics I use the pain is there.

The fun doesn't stop there, I love the way it aches most of the time, kinda like a toothache. And, the crepitus (loud creaking) freaks people out.

I've been researching the possibility of getting a Partial Knee Replacement, it's way less invasive (being on one side only) and usually lasts longer. Once again Steve shot that option down by telling my that a partial lasts about 6 years and that a "Jim replacement" would last about 2 years. Whether it's a partial or full replacement, I need to hold out as long as I can because they don't last very long and I've got a lot more cycling to do.

So there's my sad story. Cry if you must, but know that i'm really happy and grateful about being able to ride my bike.

Sleepless in Mesa

Can't sleep as usual. Wondering about things, people in my life, etc. Too much to elaborate fully.

I will keep it on a positive note though and say how much I love my place in this world. How blessed I am words cannot express. How much love I feel for my family and friends and how much love I feel in return can't be described.

I feel as many probably, that there's so much I want to accomplish and that there's so much I want to see. I'm getting pretty successful at focusing on what I have, and not on what I may never have, and finding satisfaction in that.

I've always felt regardless of physical limitations, I could conjure up the courage, stubborn perserverance, and the ability to endure suffering to make it through any race or event and do reasonably well. I now find myself at the mercy of a failing knee joint. I find myself telling my family "boy, if my right knee was as good as my left one I could... blah, blah, blah..." I'm done with that. I've found a pretty constant perspective of being grateful I HAVE two legs. I'm grateful for the many years of service my knee has given me, and the ultimate sacrifice it may have to go through in being replaced.

I was telling Lorie Tucker the other night that I may have to cancel my plans to do a certain event this fall and she seemed in disbelief that I could think that way. What she doesn't know about is the secret love-hate relationship I have with my knee. I've struggled with this rascal and it's three scopings for the last fifteen years and think it's time for a visit to a doctor. I will keep you posted...

Had a pretty good ride today, Kyle and I went out for 17 grueling miles. It's just as well, I couldn't get my heart rate over 165 and felt fatigued, so I backed off and we had good conversation.

I do gotta ramp up the mileage, not sure if I'm doing TDP but I've got Breathless Agony in Redlands on May 2nd and the Red Rock 200 in St. George on May 16th. BA is a great "guy trip" and I really have a great time there with the fellas. Red Rock is in it's first year but it's put on by the same organizers as the HooDoo 500 and they were great and really well-organized. Plus, I love Southern Utah and I love the 200 mile distance (self-reminder to stock up on the Butt'r). Don't know of anyone else going to ride Utah but that's okay, my beautiful wife Meri is coming along so I'm covered.

Alright, the blogging has worked and I hear my bed calling so goodnight. And please, see how blessed you really are, embrace what you have , let go of what you don't, and let's all hug more!

Okay, I had to delete that last post, it was starting to freak me out. Heading to the Tour of California in the morning, barring any unforeseen complications. I will report later...

Photos...

Okay, top picture taken in Douglas Arizona at the Cochise Classic. Lt to Rt: me, Randy Nunley, Gary Burk and Kyle Jorgensen. I don't recall the distances we were doing, or if this was the trip one of us was sick all night and was forced to abandon 10 miles into the race the next morning. Okay, it was Randy. Lesson learned; never, i repeat NEVER, eat at a small Mexican food restaurant the night before a race. I work around a lot of sick people and was Randy's roommate that night and he sounded like he had gallstones AND kidney stones at the same time. I was shocked to find out he even tried to race the next morning. Now I remember...Kyle , Gary and I were doing the 252 miler and Randy was doing the 92 because hadn't trained enough. I'll have to try and find that story or write one up from memory. I lost quite a few stories because of a lousy computer shop that "fixed" my computer.

Bottom photo taken at the Tour de Tucson (2002?) Lt to Rt: Steve Hatfield, Kent Hatfield, me and David Hatfield (basically four of the Hatfield brothers) Again, I can't remember the year or outcome of this one.

Photos...

A few more old photos of the fellas...

Top: Lt to Rt Mike Norberg, Dan McGeehee, David Hatfield, myself and Rick Green at the Tour de Tucson (2002?) I think Dave, Mike and Dan finished in the lead pack.

Bottom: Lt to Rt David Hatfield, Jim Wilson, Kent Hatfield, Eric MacDonald, Steve Hatfield and Myself at Telluride and Duraaango Colorado (2003?) That was a great mountain bike trip. Hermosa Creek north of Duraaaango and the "up and down trails" of Telluride.

One month since my last entry? That's pathetic. I really just wanted to get on here tonight and say hello.

The Aussie exchange students that stayed with us for a week left this morning and there is a huge void in this home. We had a great time with them, they are good kids and we got to do a lot with them. We will miss Lukas and Karla just as we miss Shaun and Gabby from last year.

Speaking of voids, not mountain bike racing this year is a big one for me. I hurt my left knee and back on a training ride last Friday and was physically unable to go out the next morning for the first race of the series and mix it up with the fellas. I got off-balance and went over my bars and down into some decent sized granite rocks and a desert tree. Kyle Jorgensen and Jim Wilson were there to heckle me of course (just like my other spills). Jim was right on my tail and when I went down he couldn't quite stop and crashed as well. Though I think he stayed on the trail and landed on my bike so he was injured less. Kyle was strategically going slow and came up on the tangled wreckage.

I was looking forward to doing the series, riding for Adventure Bicycle and was excited about racing the Pilot 429 (29'r) Bill had let me demo. I love this bike, it's solid and stable. Best full-suspension I've ever ridden. Ask me about it...

More later...

Brief soapbox rant

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BIKE SHOP!!!!!

that's all.....